So, just a short post. BUT........
I got weighed and measured today. And I've lost 2 inches on my arms, 2 inches on my waist and 2 inches on my hips!!! That's a total of 6 inches in 1 month!!! AND, I also lost 1.3% body fat. I don't know what the average is, but that the lowest I've been in years!!!! And a total of 10 pounds!!!
I liked the yoga, and I love the pilates, just finding a bit of time to just be with me, inside my own body and not out running 1000 errands!!!
Ok, that's it. 737 calories so far today. An hour of yoga/px90 abs... which was really like 30 with Jacob. And I'm feeling encouraged...
Friday, February 5, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
And then there was January
Well, I keep thinking about my blog, wanting to blog. There have been days I felt like I had a lot to say, but no time to write. Then there were the days I had a bit of time to write, and felt so stuck, who knew what to write.
But now January is over. It was a really "full" month for me. And when I saw full, I really mean, stressful and overwhelming. Why is it whenever you decide to deal with something, it gets 10 times harder?? My goal for 2010 is to learn to deal with my feelings, that is after I figure out how I feel, right?? So then, everything that could, comes at me. Wammooo!!! Here is everything. I got strep throat. Jonathan got sick. Josh got a stomach bug. Josh is having a hard time at school, regressing a bit. So now I'm trying to get LAUSD to have a behaviourist to come help him. Jordan is having "friendship" issues with another boy at school. And this part is always a challenge for me. How much to I get involved?? I can't expect a 4 year old to know how to deal with friendship issues. I am 37, almost38, and I need help and input on my relationships. But I also don't want to be that helicopter mom, you know, the one who hovers. I want to figure out that balance. In the midst of it, Jordan only wants to be with me lately. He stayed home from school last week, "I just want to be with mommy". Every time I try and separate from him, he is so sad. Is this a phase?? Do I let him stay with me, and know it will work itself out??
But the latest fun was yesterday. Josh got a splinter in his finger, you know under the fingernail. Just looking at it creeps me out. It looks so gross and painful. IIICCCCKKKK!!!! So I tried to cut the nail back and remove the splinter. But no luck. We take the morning and go to the pediatrician. And she tries, with the cold spray, but after 15 minutes of digging, a screaming 4 year old, that I am trying to console and hold down, and a 5 month old freaking out from this scene and also screaming, we decide she won't be able to remove it either. OK, so now what??? Well, it is infected, as the pus collects under his fingernail. So we reason that the splinter has to be removed. But she can't do it. So I need to go to the ER. WHAT??? How in the world am I going to pull that off?? I have to pick up Jordan, and I have Jacob and Jonathan took the van pool in. So off I go to call Jonathan. And it rings, and rings, and rings.... No answer. Finally I get ahold of him and we agree that I'll come pick him up at work, leave Jacob and Jordan with him and make my way to the ER. So out to La Canada to get him. WAIT... I haven't eaten all day and it's 1pm. Ok, against my better judgement and conscious, we stop at McDonald's. Sundae's for the boys and a snack wrap for me, well, 2 snack wraps and a small fries, but a diet coke. 800 calories. OMG!!! What??? Well, I guess it counts for both breakfast and lunch at that point.
We get Jonathan, and he drives home, since my head is now pounding. We get home, I take 4 advil, and the world's quickest shower, since I still smell like my workout. Then I realize there is no milk in the freezer. UUGGGGG!!! Ok, quick pump. But no milk in coming out. Please God, just give me 3 ounces. I should be home before the next feeding, (right??) And finally Josh and I are on our way to the ER.
We decide to go to Encino Hosp, since the signs all say, see a doctor in 20 minutes. Its a small hospital, small ER, so it shouldn't take that long. Oh, let's not forget, it was the first day of Camp Joy, bible camp. The boys are so excited to learn about he superhero's of the bible and see Caden. So I call AnnMarie to take Jordan, thinking I'll take Josh when we are done.
We walk in and sign in, and wait. And wait. And wait. All of us in the waiting room just wait. An HOUR PASSES!!! And we have not even been triaged. No one has been called in, in an hour!!! So we wait and wait more. After 2 hours, we finally get to see the triage nurse and she takes us back to a room. And we wait more!!! After 30 more minutes I find a nurse and beg for attention. I know it's just a splinter, but OMG!!! 2 1/2 hours!!! She tells me the doctor is going off duty in an hour and not going to see anyone else, and the next doctor will be in by 6pm and see him first. Deep breath. Don't strangle the nurse, or jump over the nurses station to strangle the doctor. Deep breath. Ok. We're a block from Jamba Jucie. Let's walk over and get a juice. Now, let's add in, in the 2 1/2 hours, I'm doing my best to be happy and ok with the wait and entertain my 4 year old who is sad he is not a superhero bible camp.
30 minutes and 2 smoothies later, we come back. I watch the new doctor come on duty, finish his coffee, read Josh's chart and then meander to our room. He looks at his finger then concludes that the splinter is too deep to get out, and that it will make it's way out on it own. Yes it's infected but we already have a prescription for antibiotics, so there is nothing else to do. Really??? 3 1/2 hours to hear, nothing else to do??? Deep breathes. Now I want a big mac, large fries, Mcflurry and a drink, the martini kind. But I have promised Josh a Transformer. So now we are on our way to Toys R Us, where he decides he wants a power ranger.
We finally got home at 7:45pm. Jonathan and I finally get the boys down after 8pm, and off to a hot bath I go, (without the big mac or martini).
I now feel the weight of the whole month tumbling down on me. It has been a long month. I am not even sure how I feel anymore. Too many things to process. Too many issues. I have a list of people I need to talk with about different problems, and now, all I want to do I run away.
I had to take Jonathan to his car this morning and then dropped the boys, where again, Jordan just wants mommy and I have to extricate him from me. I come home and take a really long hot shower trying to wash this feeling off me, the overwhelmed mommy doesn't have enough time to get it all done feeling. I have a mountain of laundry, and I mean a MOUNTAIN, at least 6 or 7 loads to work on, no groceries in the house and I know more than anything I have to find some time to write, to pray, to read my bible, to try and find a bit of inner peace. But when??? When do I find that time, that space, where even when I make the time, the issues all around me don't feel like they are pressing in on me so hard, that the push me out of that space.
I think I'm deciding to call this my February 1st, even though it's the 4th. I need a first of the month today. I will try to get to what I can, do my best and know the rest will get done, somehow. The good news is that will all this, I lost 10 pounds last month. I am now under 200, 199!!! It is a victory, one that I feel like it getting lost in the rest of my life. So I'll hold on tight to it.
Calories: I have no idea yet, I haven't had time to enter them.
Weight: under 200!!
Feeling: way to much, but trying to sort it out, just like my laundry
But now January is over. It was a really "full" month for me. And when I saw full, I really mean, stressful and overwhelming. Why is it whenever you decide to deal with something, it gets 10 times harder?? My goal for 2010 is to learn to deal with my feelings, that is after I figure out how I feel, right?? So then, everything that could, comes at me. Wammooo!!! Here is everything. I got strep throat. Jonathan got sick. Josh got a stomach bug. Josh is having a hard time at school, regressing a bit. So now I'm trying to get LAUSD to have a behaviourist to come help him. Jordan is having "friendship" issues with another boy at school. And this part is always a challenge for me. How much to I get involved?? I can't expect a 4 year old to know how to deal with friendship issues. I am 37, almost38, and I need help and input on my relationships. But I also don't want to be that helicopter mom, you know, the one who hovers. I want to figure out that balance. In the midst of it, Jordan only wants to be with me lately. He stayed home from school last week, "I just want to be with mommy". Every time I try and separate from him, he is so sad. Is this a phase?? Do I let him stay with me, and know it will work itself out??
But the latest fun was yesterday. Josh got a splinter in his finger, you know under the fingernail. Just looking at it creeps me out. It looks so gross and painful. IIICCCCKKKK!!!! So I tried to cut the nail back and remove the splinter. But no luck. We take the morning and go to the pediatrician. And she tries, with the cold spray, but after 15 minutes of digging, a screaming 4 year old, that I am trying to console and hold down, and a 5 month old freaking out from this scene and also screaming, we decide she won't be able to remove it either. OK, so now what??? Well, it is infected, as the pus collects under his fingernail. So we reason that the splinter has to be removed. But she can't do it. So I need to go to the ER. WHAT??? How in the world am I going to pull that off?? I have to pick up Jordan, and I have Jacob and Jonathan took the van pool in. So off I go to call Jonathan. And it rings, and rings, and rings.... No answer. Finally I get ahold of him and we agree that I'll come pick him up at work, leave Jacob and Jordan with him and make my way to the ER. So out to La Canada to get him. WAIT... I haven't eaten all day and it's 1pm. Ok, against my better judgement and conscious, we stop at McDonald's. Sundae's for the boys and a snack wrap for me, well, 2 snack wraps and a small fries, but a diet coke. 800 calories. OMG!!! What??? Well, I guess it counts for both breakfast and lunch at that point.
We get Jonathan, and he drives home, since my head is now pounding. We get home, I take 4 advil, and the world's quickest shower, since I still smell like my workout. Then I realize there is no milk in the freezer. UUGGGGG!!! Ok, quick pump. But no milk in coming out. Please God, just give me 3 ounces. I should be home before the next feeding, (right??) And finally Josh and I are on our way to the ER.
We decide to go to Encino Hosp, since the signs all say, see a doctor in 20 minutes. Its a small hospital, small ER, so it shouldn't take that long. Oh, let's not forget, it was the first day of Camp Joy, bible camp. The boys are so excited to learn about he superhero's of the bible and see Caden. So I call AnnMarie to take Jordan, thinking I'll take Josh when we are done.
We walk in and sign in, and wait. And wait. And wait. All of us in the waiting room just wait. An HOUR PASSES!!! And we have not even been triaged. No one has been called in, in an hour!!! So we wait and wait more. After 2 hours, we finally get to see the triage nurse and she takes us back to a room. And we wait more!!! After 30 more minutes I find a nurse and beg for attention. I know it's just a splinter, but OMG!!! 2 1/2 hours!!! She tells me the doctor is going off duty in an hour and not going to see anyone else, and the next doctor will be in by 6pm and see him first. Deep breath. Don't strangle the nurse, or jump over the nurses station to strangle the doctor. Deep breath. Ok. We're a block from Jamba Jucie. Let's walk over and get a juice. Now, let's add in, in the 2 1/2 hours, I'm doing my best to be happy and ok with the wait and entertain my 4 year old who is sad he is not a superhero bible camp.
30 minutes and 2 smoothies later, we come back. I watch the new doctor come on duty, finish his coffee, read Josh's chart and then meander to our room. He looks at his finger then concludes that the splinter is too deep to get out, and that it will make it's way out on it own. Yes it's infected but we already have a prescription for antibiotics, so there is nothing else to do. Really??? 3 1/2 hours to hear, nothing else to do??? Deep breathes. Now I want a big mac, large fries, Mcflurry and a drink, the martini kind. But I have promised Josh a Transformer. So now we are on our way to Toys R Us, where he decides he wants a power ranger.
We finally got home at 7:45pm. Jonathan and I finally get the boys down after 8pm, and off to a hot bath I go, (without the big mac or martini).
I now feel the weight of the whole month tumbling down on me. It has been a long month. I am not even sure how I feel anymore. Too many things to process. Too many issues. I have a list of people I need to talk with about different problems, and now, all I want to do I run away.
I had to take Jonathan to his car this morning and then dropped the boys, where again, Jordan just wants mommy and I have to extricate him from me. I come home and take a really long hot shower trying to wash this feeling off me, the overwhelmed mommy doesn't have enough time to get it all done feeling. I have a mountain of laundry, and I mean a MOUNTAIN, at least 6 or 7 loads to work on, no groceries in the house and I know more than anything I have to find some time to write, to pray, to read my bible, to try and find a bit of inner peace. But when??? When do I find that time, that space, where even when I make the time, the issues all around me don't feel like they are pressing in on me so hard, that the push me out of that space.
I think I'm deciding to call this my February 1st, even though it's the 4th. I need a first of the month today. I will try to get to what I can, do my best and know the rest will get done, somehow. The good news is that will all this, I lost 10 pounds last month. I am now under 200, 199!!! It is a victory, one that I feel like it getting lost in the rest of my life. So I'll hold on tight to it.
Calories: I have no idea yet, I haven't had time to enter them.
Weight: under 200!!
Feeling: way to much, but trying to sort it out, just like my laundry
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Days 3, 4 and 5 and a bit of strep
So, no worries, I haven't changed my mind about my blog. I just got sick. Really sick. In fact, I can't remember the last time I was this sick. I took myself to the doctor yesterday and I have strep throat. WOW. And it turns out my babysitter has it too. Not sure who gave it to who. Poor thing. Sounds like her's is not quite as bad as mine, but I still feel so bad.
And then there is my poor husband. He came into our room last night and said, "Man, if we had 4 kids, and then you got sick, I don't know what I'd do!". I have to start getting better today, or I think he might run away to Mexico and change his name. We have no groceries in the house, and Jacob is missing me a lot. Josh and Jordan's toys are everywhere and the house looks a bit like a tornado ripped thru it. I'm trying to air out my bedroom and wash my bedding in a burst of energy, but trying not to do too much so I relapse. These are the days I wish I had a maid, and nanny, and personal assistant. Poor Jonathan.
It really made me think though, how important it is to take care of myself though... to eat healthy and exercise, not just so I won't be overweight and look like this, but so I'll be healthy and full of energy to take care of my family. Being "down" for 3 days now, I can see how much my family needs me. Of course everyone gets sick sometimes, but what if I got something because my body was unhealthy and overweight?? There are so many things that are preventable with a healthy lifestyle. Motivation, Motivation!!!
Ok, back to my bed/couch and rest for a bit. If you are reading this, please say a prayer for me to get better TODAY!!! My family needs me.
And then there is my poor husband. He came into our room last night and said, "Man, if we had 4 kids, and then you got sick, I don't know what I'd do!". I have to start getting better today, or I think he might run away to Mexico and change his name. We have no groceries in the house, and Jacob is missing me a lot. Josh and Jordan's toys are everywhere and the house looks a bit like a tornado ripped thru it. I'm trying to air out my bedroom and wash my bedding in a burst of energy, but trying not to do too much so I relapse. These are the days I wish I had a maid, and nanny, and personal assistant. Poor Jonathan.
It really made me think though, how important it is to take care of myself though... to eat healthy and exercise, not just so I won't be overweight and look like this, but so I'll be healthy and full of energy to take care of my family. Being "down" for 3 days now, I can see how much my family needs me. Of course everyone gets sick sometimes, but what if I got something because my body was unhealthy and overweight?? There are so many things that are preventable with a healthy lifestyle. Motivation, Motivation!!!
Ok, back to my bed/couch and rest for a bit. If you are reading this, please say a prayer for me to get better TODAY!!! My family needs me.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Day Two, Are you happy?
So my dad came out to have lunch with me last week. Josh and Jordan were at preschool and I got a sitter for Jacob. So it was just the two of us. Really nice. We went to this great Cuban place around the corner... (yes I ate a whole plate of plantains almost myself) and had a great lunch. They make the best coffee.
But near the end of lunch he said, "I just have one question for you. Are you happy?" Am I happy??? Of course I am happy. I have a great life after all. I have a great husband, 3 wonderful boys. Am I tired??? Very! But Happy, Yeah, I think I am. I guess I am.
But that question has been sitting with me now for days. Am I happy?? I try to be a grateful person. I live in a nice house, in a good neighborhood. I'm married with children, I get to stay home and raise them. I'm healthy, have a good relationship with my dad and step mom, love my church, have the greatest friends (yes, you Kim). What more could I want? What else would I need to be happy? And if I wasn't happy with all of this, wouldn't that just make me the most ungrateful person alive??!!!
I guess I have to start with, how do I feel? And a funny thing happened when I started asking myself that. I had no idea. I know how I react. But I'm not too in touch with how I feel.
I took the boys to the dentist on Tuesday and it turns out that Jordan, my poor boy, has 3 cavities, and one is a baby root canal. WHAT!!??? We brush his teeth every day, twice a day!! We see the dentist every 6 months! How could this have happened!! I'm so mad. I'm mad at my husband who does their nighttime routine and should have seen it, I'm mad at the dentist, that should have seen something more 6 months ago... I'm mad at Costco for selling those fruit snacks that I have decided are the culprit, without some sort of warning in large red letters, "WARNING, THESE SUPPOSEDLY HEALTHY FRUIT SNACKS WILL CAUSE YOUR CHILD'S TEETH TO ROT AWAY AND THEN THEY WILL NEED A ROOT CANAL WHEN THEY ARE ONLY 4!!!".
Not long after I was done being really mad, I got into action. I call another dentist to get a second opinion. I make a appointment with a third dentist, whom everyone loves, but is not a pediatric dentist, to have the work done sooner than he first dentist. I bag up all the fruit snacks in the house and determine to give them to someone else, with stronger teeth, or better insurance at least.
So, now it is Thursday night and I finally am realizing what I am feeling. I am so embarrassed. I'm his mother. This is my job. How could I have missed the tooth rotting in his mouth?? How did the daily and sometimes twice or three times daily fruit snacks not occur to me that they were not great for his teeth. Why didn't I get back into the dentist 2 months ago?? Maybe then it wouldn't have been a root canal. This is my fault and I am so embarrassed.
But more importantly, why did it take me two days to figure out how I feel. I spent one day angry, blaming and in action mode, one more overwhelmed and checked out. And only now, because I am trying so hard to not check out, here are my feelings. Embarrassed. And I do want to eat. I made an 1100 calorie dinner tonight. Luckily I realized it before I ate it, so I didn't eat everything. I really would love a Hagen Dazs Bar, the chocolate with dark chocolate on top.
But I'm not. I'm hanging in for another day. And praying I don't give into the Hagen Dazs bar tomorrow, after my 4 year old's root canal. Praying for God's grace and courage to NOT CHECK OUT.
Day Two
I went to Yoga today.
I ate 1803 calories today.
I feel embarressed.
But I'm here.
But near the end of lunch he said, "I just have one question for you. Are you happy?" Am I happy??? Of course I am happy. I have a great life after all. I have a great husband, 3 wonderful boys. Am I tired??? Very! But Happy, Yeah, I think I am. I guess I am.
But that question has been sitting with me now for days. Am I happy?? I try to be a grateful person. I live in a nice house, in a good neighborhood. I'm married with children, I get to stay home and raise them. I'm healthy, have a good relationship with my dad and step mom, love my church, have the greatest friends (yes, you Kim). What more could I want? What else would I need to be happy? And if I wasn't happy with all of this, wouldn't that just make me the most ungrateful person alive??!!!
I guess I have to start with, how do I feel? And a funny thing happened when I started asking myself that. I had no idea. I know how I react. But I'm not too in touch with how I feel.
I took the boys to the dentist on Tuesday and it turns out that Jordan, my poor boy, has 3 cavities, and one is a baby root canal. WHAT!!??? We brush his teeth every day, twice a day!! We see the dentist every 6 months! How could this have happened!! I'm so mad. I'm mad at my husband who does their nighttime routine and should have seen it, I'm mad at the dentist, that should have seen something more 6 months ago... I'm mad at Costco for selling those fruit snacks that I have decided are the culprit, without some sort of warning in large red letters, "WARNING, THESE SUPPOSEDLY HEALTHY FRUIT SNACKS WILL CAUSE YOUR CHILD'S TEETH TO ROT AWAY AND THEN THEY WILL NEED A ROOT CANAL WHEN THEY ARE ONLY 4!!!".
Not long after I was done being really mad, I got into action. I call another dentist to get a second opinion. I make a appointment with a third dentist, whom everyone loves, but is not a pediatric dentist, to have the work done sooner than he first dentist. I bag up all the fruit snacks in the house and determine to give them to someone else, with stronger teeth, or better insurance at least.
So, now it is Thursday night and I finally am realizing what I am feeling. I am so embarrassed. I'm his mother. This is my job. How could I have missed the tooth rotting in his mouth?? How did the daily and sometimes twice or three times daily fruit snacks not occur to me that they were not great for his teeth. Why didn't I get back into the dentist 2 months ago?? Maybe then it wouldn't have been a root canal. This is my fault and I am so embarrassed.
But more importantly, why did it take me two days to figure out how I feel. I spent one day angry, blaming and in action mode, one more overwhelmed and checked out. And only now, because I am trying so hard to not check out, here are my feelings. Embarrassed. And I do want to eat. I made an 1100 calorie dinner tonight. Luckily I realized it before I ate it, so I didn't eat everything. I really would love a Hagen Dazs Bar, the chocolate with dark chocolate on top.
But I'm not. I'm hanging in for another day. And praying I don't give into the Hagen Dazs bar tomorrow, after my 4 year old's root canal. Praying for God's grace and courage to NOT CHECK OUT.
Day Two
I went to Yoga today.
I ate 1803 calories today.
I feel embarressed.
But I'm here.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Day one, well not really
I think I am finally ready to admit I have a problem. I am not sure why it is so hard to admit, or what I think I am holding onto. I see myself one way in my head, the way that I looked when I was 17 I guess. I think the world sees me that way. I don't want to admit that I am as shallow as others who care about their looks, but I guess that is easy for me since I think I'm cute already. I have held fast to the belief that I didn't mind my body being like this and that I was happy, and loved the saying Fat and Happy. The saying isn't Skinny and Happy. I've tried to lose weight a number of times, more than I can probably count. I did a big weight lose a few times, but that was with the help of drugs (the legal kind) with a doctor. But the minute I came off the drugs, the weight all came back. And even more.
I think I want to write a blog, because I don't care if anyone else reads it, I just want somewhere to tell the truth, to "let it all hang out", to stop being in denial, and have a place to do my most dreaded activity in my life, journal. I HATE journalling. But I realize I'll never get to the bottom of this unless I do. Journal. YUCK!!! Something finally have to change in me. I realize it's not about the food, or the exercise. It's something in me. I think I am finally desperate to make the connection and figure out what I need to change.
So today and another day one, but not really. I started Judy's Mommy Bootcamp last week. I'm entering everything I eat into My Food Diary. And I'm trying to just not be in denial about it anymore. Just tell the truth.
Day One (again): Jan 13, 2010
Weight: 204
Emotion: ready
I think I want to write a blog, because I don't care if anyone else reads it, I just want somewhere to tell the truth, to "let it all hang out", to stop being in denial, and have a place to do my most dreaded activity in my life, journal. I HATE journalling. But I realize I'll never get to the bottom of this unless I do. Journal. YUCK!!! Something finally have to change in me. I realize it's not about the food, or the exercise. It's something in me. I think I am finally desperate to make the connection and figure out what I need to change.
So today and another day one, but not really. I started Judy's Mommy Bootcamp last week. I'm entering everything I eat into My Food Diary. And I'm trying to just not be in denial about it anymore. Just tell the truth.
Day One (again): Jan 13, 2010
Weight: 204
Emotion: ready
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