Day one, well not really

I think I am finally ready to admit I have a problem. I am not sure why it is so hard to admit, or what I think I am holding onto. I see myself one way in my head, the way that I looked when I was 17 I guess. I think the world sees me that way. I don't want to admit that I am as shallow as others who care about their looks, but I guess that is easy for me since I think I'm cute already. I have held fast to the belief that I didn't mind my body being like this and that I was happy, and loved the saying Fat and Happy. The saying isn't Skinny and Happy. I've tried to lose weight a number of times, more than I can probably count. I did a big weight lose a few times, but that was with the help of drugs (the legal kind) with a doctor. But the minute I came off the drugs, the weight all came back. And even more.

I think I want to write a blog, because I don't care if anyone else reads it, I just want somewhere to tell the truth, to "let it all hang out", to stop being in denial, and have a place to do my most dreaded activity in my life, journal. I HATE journalling. But I realize I'll never get to the bottom of this unless I do. Journal. YUCK!!! Something finally have to change in me. I realize it's not about the food, or the exercise. It's something in me. I think I am finally desperate to make the connection and figure out what I need to change.

So today and another day one, but not really. I started Judy's Mommy Bootcamp last week. I'm entering everything I eat into My Food Diary. And I'm trying to just not be in denial about it anymore. Just tell the truth.

Day One (again): Jan 13, 2010
Weight: 204
Emotion: ready