So, no worries, I haven't changed my mind about my blog. I just got sick. Really sick. In fact, I can't remember the last time I was this sick. I took myself to the doctor yesterday and I have strep throat. WOW. And it turns out my babysitter has it too. Not sure who gave it to who. Poor thing. Sounds like her's is not quite as bad as mine, but I still feel so bad.
And then there is my poor husband. He came into our room last night and said, "Man, if we had 4 kids, and then you got sick, I don't know what I'd do!". I have to start getting better today, or I think he might run away to Mexico and change his name. We have no groceries in the house, and Jacob is missing me a lot. Josh and Jordan's toys are everywhere and the house looks a bit like a tornado ripped thru it. I'm trying to air out my bedroom and wash my bedding in a burst of energy, but trying not to do too much so I relapse. These are the days I wish I had a maid, and nanny, and personal assistant. Poor Jonathan.
It really made me think though, how important it is to take care of myself though... to eat healthy and exercise, not just so I won't be overweight and look like this, but so I'll be healthy and full of energy to take care of my family. Being "down" for 3 days now, I can see how much my family needs me. Of course everyone gets sick sometimes, but what if I got something because my body was unhealthy and overweight?? There are so many things that are preventable with a healthy lifestyle. Motivation, Motivation!!!
Ok, back to my bed/couch and rest for a bit. If you are reading this, please say a prayer for me to get better TODAY!!! My family needs me.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Day Two, Are you happy?
So my dad came out to have lunch with me last week. Josh and Jordan were at preschool and I got a sitter for Jacob. So it was just the two of us. Really nice. We went to this great Cuban place around the corner... (yes I ate a whole plate of plantains almost myself) and had a great lunch. They make the best coffee.
But near the end of lunch he said, "I just have one question for you. Are you happy?" Am I happy??? Of course I am happy. I have a great life after all. I have a great husband, 3 wonderful boys. Am I tired??? Very! But Happy, Yeah, I think I am. I guess I am.
But that question has been sitting with me now for days. Am I happy?? I try to be a grateful person. I live in a nice house, in a good neighborhood. I'm married with children, I get to stay home and raise them. I'm healthy, have a good relationship with my dad and step mom, love my church, have the greatest friends (yes, you Kim). What more could I want? What else would I need to be happy? And if I wasn't happy with all of this, wouldn't that just make me the most ungrateful person alive??!!!
I guess I have to start with, how do I feel? And a funny thing happened when I started asking myself that. I had no idea. I know how I react. But I'm not too in touch with how I feel.
I took the boys to the dentist on Tuesday and it turns out that Jordan, my poor boy, has 3 cavities, and one is a baby root canal. WHAT!!??? We brush his teeth every day, twice a day!! We see the dentist every 6 months! How could this have happened!! I'm so mad. I'm mad at my husband who does their nighttime routine and should have seen it, I'm mad at the dentist, that should have seen something more 6 months ago... I'm mad at Costco for selling those fruit snacks that I have decided are the culprit, without some sort of warning in large red letters, "WARNING, THESE SUPPOSEDLY HEALTHY FRUIT SNACKS WILL CAUSE YOUR CHILD'S TEETH TO ROT AWAY AND THEN THEY WILL NEED A ROOT CANAL WHEN THEY ARE ONLY 4!!!".
Not long after I was done being really mad, I got into action. I call another dentist to get a second opinion. I make a appointment with a third dentist, whom everyone loves, but is not a pediatric dentist, to have the work done sooner than he first dentist. I bag up all the fruit snacks in the house and determine to give them to someone else, with stronger teeth, or better insurance at least.
So, now it is Thursday night and I finally am realizing what I am feeling. I am so embarrassed. I'm his mother. This is my job. How could I have missed the tooth rotting in his mouth?? How did the daily and sometimes twice or three times daily fruit snacks not occur to me that they were not great for his teeth. Why didn't I get back into the dentist 2 months ago?? Maybe then it wouldn't have been a root canal. This is my fault and I am so embarrassed.
But more importantly, why did it take me two days to figure out how I feel. I spent one day angry, blaming and in action mode, one more overwhelmed and checked out. And only now, because I am trying so hard to not check out, here are my feelings. Embarrassed. And I do want to eat. I made an 1100 calorie dinner tonight. Luckily I realized it before I ate it, so I didn't eat everything. I really would love a Hagen Dazs Bar, the chocolate with dark chocolate on top.
But I'm not. I'm hanging in for another day. And praying I don't give into the Hagen Dazs bar tomorrow, after my 4 year old's root canal. Praying for God's grace and courage to NOT CHECK OUT.
Day Two
I went to Yoga today.
I ate 1803 calories today.
I feel embarressed.
But I'm here.
But near the end of lunch he said, "I just have one question for you. Are you happy?" Am I happy??? Of course I am happy. I have a great life after all. I have a great husband, 3 wonderful boys. Am I tired??? Very! But Happy, Yeah, I think I am. I guess I am.
But that question has been sitting with me now for days. Am I happy?? I try to be a grateful person. I live in a nice house, in a good neighborhood. I'm married with children, I get to stay home and raise them. I'm healthy, have a good relationship with my dad and step mom, love my church, have the greatest friends (yes, you Kim). What more could I want? What else would I need to be happy? And if I wasn't happy with all of this, wouldn't that just make me the most ungrateful person alive??!!!
I guess I have to start with, how do I feel? And a funny thing happened when I started asking myself that. I had no idea. I know how I react. But I'm not too in touch with how I feel.
I took the boys to the dentist on Tuesday and it turns out that Jordan, my poor boy, has 3 cavities, and one is a baby root canal. WHAT!!??? We brush his teeth every day, twice a day!! We see the dentist every 6 months! How could this have happened!! I'm so mad. I'm mad at my husband who does their nighttime routine and should have seen it, I'm mad at the dentist, that should have seen something more 6 months ago... I'm mad at Costco for selling those fruit snacks that I have decided are the culprit, without some sort of warning in large red letters, "WARNING, THESE SUPPOSEDLY HEALTHY FRUIT SNACKS WILL CAUSE YOUR CHILD'S TEETH TO ROT AWAY AND THEN THEY WILL NEED A ROOT CANAL WHEN THEY ARE ONLY 4!!!".
Not long after I was done being really mad, I got into action. I call another dentist to get a second opinion. I make a appointment with a third dentist, whom everyone loves, but is not a pediatric dentist, to have the work done sooner than he first dentist. I bag up all the fruit snacks in the house and determine to give them to someone else, with stronger teeth, or better insurance at least.
So, now it is Thursday night and I finally am realizing what I am feeling. I am so embarrassed. I'm his mother. This is my job. How could I have missed the tooth rotting in his mouth?? How did the daily and sometimes twice or three times daily fruit snacks not occur to me that they were not great for his teeth. Why didn't I get back into the dentist 2 months ago?? Maybe then it wouldn't have been a root canal. This is my fault and I am so embarrassed.
But more importantly, why did it take me two days to figure out how I feel. I spent one day angry, blaming and in action mode, one more overwhelmed and checked out. And only now, because I am trying so hard to not check out, here are my feelings. Embarrassed. And I do want to eat. I made an 1100 calorie dinner tonight. Luckily I realized it before I ate it, so I didn't eat everything. I really would love a Hagen Dazs Bar, the chocolate with dark chocolate on top.
But I'm not. I'm hanging in for another day. And praying I don't give into the Hagen Dazs bar tomorrow, after my 4 year old's root canal. Praying for God's grace and courage to NOT CHECK OUT.
Day Two
I went to Yoga today.
I ate 1803 calories today.
I feel embarressed.
But I'm here.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Day one, well not really
I think I am finally ready to admit I have a problem. I am not sure why it is so hard to admit, or what I think I am holding onto. I see myself one way in my head, the way that I looked when I was 17 I guess. I think the world sees me that way. I don't want to admit that I am as shallow as others who care about their looks, but I guess that is easy for me since I think I'm cute already. I have held fast to the belief that I didn't mind my body being like this and that I was happy, and loved the saying Fat and Happy. The saying isn't Skinny and Happy. I've tried to lose weight a number of times, more than I can probably count. I did a big weight lose a few times, but that was with the help of drugs (the legal kind) with a doctor. But the minute I came off the drugs, the weight all came back. And even more.
I think I want to write a blog, because I don't care if anyone else reads it, I just want somewhere to tell the truth, to "let it all hang out", to stop being in denial, and have a place to do my most dreaded activity in my life, journal. I HATE journalling. But I realize I'll never get to the bottom of this unless I do. Journal. YUCK!!! Something finally have to change in me. I realize it's not about the food, or the exercise. It's something in me. I think I am finally desperate to make the connection and figure out what I need to change.
So today and another day one, but not really. I started Judy's Mommy Bootcamp last week. I'm entering everything I eat into My Food Diary. And I'm trying to just not be in denial about it anymore. Just tell the truth.
Day One (again): Jan 13, 2010
Weight: 204
Emotion: ready
I think I want to write a blog, because I don't care if anyone else reads it, I just want somewhere to tell the truth, to "let it all hang out", to stop being in denial, and have a place to do my most dreaded activity in my life, journal. I HATE journalling. But I realize I'll never get to the bottom of this unless I do. Journal. YUCK!!! Something finally have to change in me. I realize it's not about the food, or the exercise. It's something in me. I think I am finally desperate to make the connection and figure out what I need to change.
So today and another day one, but not really. I started Judy's Mommy Bootcamp last week. I'm entering everything I eat into My Food Diary. And I'm trying to just not be in denial about it anymore. Just tell the truth.
Day One (again): Jan 13, 2010
Weight: 204
Emotion: ready
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)