Day Two, Are you happy?

So my dad came out to have lunch with me last week. Josh and Jordan were at preschool and I got a sitter for Jacob. So it was just the two of us. Really nice. We went to this great Cuban place around the corner... (yes I ate a whole plate of plantains almost myself) and had a great lunch. They make the best coffee.

But near the end of lunch he said, "I just have one question for you. Are you happy?" Am I happy??? Of course I am happy. I have a great life after all. I have a great husband, 3 wonderful boys. Am I tired??? Very! But Happy, Yeah, I think I am. I guess I am.

But that question has been sitting with me now for days. Am I happy?? I try to be a grateful person. I live in a nice house, in a good neighborhood. I'm married with children, I get to stay home and raise them. I'm healthy, have a good relationship with my dad and step mom, love my church, have the greatest friends (yes, you Kim). What more could I want? What else would I need to be happy? And if I wasn't happy with all of this, wouldn't that just make me the most ungrateful person alive??!!!

I guess I have to start with, how do I feel? And a funny thing happened when I started asking myself that. I had no idea. I know how I react. But I'm not too in touch with how I feel.

I took the boys to the dentist on Tuesday and it turns out that Jordan, my poor boy, has 3 cavities, and one is a baby root canal. WHAT!!??? We brush his teeth every day, twice a day!! We see the dentist every 6 months! How could this have happened!! I'm so mad. I'm mad at my husband who does their nighttime routine and should have seen it, I'm mad at the dentist, that should have seen something more 6 months ago... I'm mad at Costco for selling those fruit snacks that I have decided are the culprit, without some sort of warning in large red letters, "WARNING, THESE SUPPOSEDLY HEALTHY FRUIT SNACKS WILL CAUSE YOUR CHILD'S TEETH TO ROT AWAY AND THEN THEY WILL NEED A ROOT CANAL WHEN THEY ARE ONLY 4!!!".

Not long after I was done being really mad, I got into action. I call another dentist to get a second opinion. I make a appointment with a third dentist, whom everyone loves, but is not a pediatric dentist, to have the work done sooner than he first dentist. I bag up all the fruit snacks in the house and determine to give them to someone else, with stronger teeth, or better insurance at least.

So, now it is Thursday night and I finally am realizing what I am feeling. I am so embarrassed. I'm his mother. This is my job. How could I have missed the tooth rotting in his mouth?? How did the daily and sometimes twice or three times daily fruit snacks not occur to me that they were not great for his teeth. Why didn't I get back into the dentist 2 months ago?? Maybe then it wouldn't have been a root canal. This is my fault and I am so embarrassed.

But more importantly, why did it take me two days to figure out how I feel. I spent one day angry, blaming and in action mode, one more overwhelmed and checked out. And only now, because I am trying so hard to not check out, here are my feelings. Embarrassed. And I do want to eat. I made an 1100 calorie dinner tonight. Luckily I realized it before I ate it, so I didn't eat everything. I really would love a Hagen Dazs Bar, the chocolate with dark chocolate on top.

But I'm not. I'm hanging in for another day. And praying I don't give into the Hagen Dazs bar tomorrow, after my 4 year old's root canal. Praying for God's grace and courage to NOT CHECK OUT.

Day Two
I went to Yoga today.
I ate 1803 calories today.
I feel embarressed.
But I'm here.